Gravity
by zashikabuta06
Summary: This is future!Brittana, from Santana's POV. One-shot. Inspired by the song "Gravity" from Between The Lines: Sara Bareilles Live At The Fillmore.


_My feelings stemming from something I came across on tumblr tonight. !Spoiler! Glee has been renewed for a 5th season (why?) and apparently even though RIB and Fox want Heather to come back for it, the choice is ultimately hers and thus the future of Brittana is in her hands. This is future!Brittana, from Santana's POV. One-shot. __Inspired by the song "Gravity" from Between The Lines: Sara Bareilles Live At The Fillmore_

**GRAVITY**

I remember that day so clearly. The day I said good-bye to us.

I blame myself for the way it ended. I wish I could have that conversation back. I could say or do something- anything to change the course of events, to still have you in my life, the way we were. But I can't. I cannot keep dwelling in a past that will never be my future- no matter how much I wish it to be so.

I still dream about us. I dream about how I wish things could have been. When I lie alone in bed for the umpteenth time, I wish to hold you in my arms, to spoon you, feel you beside to me. When I wake up, I wish to be waking up next you, to see you shake the sleep out of your brilliant blue eyes and run your fingers through your dazzling blonde hair. I wish that we could spend just one more day together, as couple, doing couplely things, like laundry, shop for groceries, or cook dinner together. I long to see your toothbrush next to mine; see your brand of shampoo in the shower; see your pajamas on the hook next to mine; see your perfume bottle next to mine. I renounce the thought of not being able to proudly to introduce you, not as my "friend," but as my girlfriend or maybe even my wife. I mourn the domesticity of a life I was never granted; the mundane tasks and the day-to-day responsibilities that we will never share.

When I see two women holding hands out in public, I wince in remembering that you are the last person who held my hand so lovingly. When I go to a wedding, I imagine us proudly professing our love and fidelity to one another, in front of all our family and friends. When the happy couple makes their way to the dance floor, I imagine what song we would have chosen for our first dance as wife and wife. Maybe it would be "Songbird," to remind us of that day in the choir room, when I was trying to cheer you up. It could be "Cherish," like when The God Squad serenaded us at the Sugar Shack. Maybe even "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)," to make us remember wearing twinsies outfits, with 80's make-up and hair, dancing in the auditorium, with glitter in the air. I think "Mine" would be the most appropriate. I know, it's the song I sang when I broke-up with you. You always knew that I could always best express myself in song. I picked it because I wanted you to know that you really are the best thing that has ever been mine. My favorite line in the song is, "And every time I look at you, it's like the first time," because that is the way you always looked at me. The song ends with this, "Do you believe it? We're gonna make it now and I can see it, i can see it now." The thing is that is ALL I can see: a future that will never be.

When I am out here in the city and see two lesbians with wedding bands, playing with their child, I wonder what kind of parents we could have been together. When I am on Broadway, watching a musical, I search the company for you because I could never forget the way you move your body. When I am out to dinner with friends at an Italian restaurant and the waiter brings a basket of breadsticks, I cannot touch them. When I close my eyes, in sheer pleasure, I imagine you are above me, inside of me, looking at me, with pure love in your eyes, all for me.

None of these dreams and wishes will ever happen because I did this to us. I thought that it was what was best for you. I made myself believe what I was saying to you was true and that all of my reasons were valid. I didn't lie when I told you, "I will always love you the most." How can it be a lie, when it is still true, even after all this time.

I think about where you are now, without me. I hope that you are happy and that you found another love. I want to believe that a person as special and wonderful as you would have found someone else to give your heart to. I am sure of it, because loving was never a problem for you; that was my problem. It took me so long to realize that I loved you and it was only compounded by my internal homophobia. You were there to support me, every single step of the way to acceptance of myself and the love we shared.

I like to think that you are probably married to a great guy with a couple of kids by now. I think it is to a man, because it makes it all hurt less. If it were to another woman, that would certainly break my heart so much more than it already has. Knowing that I wasn't good enough to be granted forever with you would be a pain I don't think I could ever recover from.

These are the feelings that are never far from the surface whenever I hear those songs. Our songs. They are the only things I have left of us that will never fade away. With a melody, I am swept back into a past where you & I are together. With a chorus, I recall the sweet lady kisses and the linked pinkies. With a crescendo, I can almost feel your embrace, which sensual and deeper then any other embrace I have since to experience. With a lyric, I can close my eyes and remember it all. I can see it now.


End file.
